Every Saturday, my little family and I get coffee at our local coffee shop, Chromatic Coffee. It’s become a weekend routine where my wife and I fuel up on caffeine while the babies get mini-bagels next door and lick cream cheese until it’s all over their faces.
For whatever reason on this day, my wife and I didn’t eat breakfast at home and opted straight for the coffee intake first (it must have been a long night – teething maybe?). As I crushed my expresso, I started getting hungry. I peered out the window of Chromatic and my eyes landed on the McDonalds across the street.
I perked up and turned my head to the side like a dog seeing a squirrel in the distance. “When was the last time I had a classic Mickey D’s breaky?” I thought to myself. The answer? YEARS. The culprit? MY WIFE. It was all becoming clear. Ever since I got married, the “love of my life” had prevented all my glorious fast food intake because of bizarre reasons like “health” and “we have kids now” or whatever.
I knew what needed to be done. I packed the kids into the car, pretended like we were going to our next planned activity, but SWERVED HARD instead. I dipped a left turn directly towards the McDonalds drive through.
“Where are we going?” my wife raised her voice, finally looking up from the backseat where her focus had been restraining our kids from throwing hands at each other.
“Don’t worry about it,” I whispered as I rolled down my window.
Putting the pieces together, my wife let out an angry, “NO YOU ARE NOT EATING THIS!”
Without even thinking about the consequences, I shouted out my window: “one sausage mcmuffin meal please.”
Here are 10 things my wife screamed right after I placed my order (along with my rebuttals):
Wifey: YOU ARE EATING CANCER MEAT!
Me: YOLO, gurrrrrrrrl.
Wifey: Those are genetically modified potatoes! It’s not even real food!
Me: Hey, that sounds like science to me. I support science.
Wifey: What sort of food habits are you teaching our kids?!
Me: Umm, that sometimes in life you have to swerve?
Wifey: We have food at home. Healthy food!
Me: I’m tired of old man granola cereal bullshit. My taste buds need some excitement.
Wifey: You’re spending unnecessary money on unnecessary calories and trans fats which your body can’t even digest!
Me: Dad-bods are so in right now. Ask Vogue.
Wifey: You’re getting one step closer to a heart attack and kidney failure.
Me: My heart is beating for hash browns right now. Also, who needs kidneys anyways? Overrated, bro.
Wifey: That “meat” comes from poor factory farmed animals. Do you even care about them?
Me: Listen, next time I see a cow, I will personally kiss it on the mouth.
Wifey: Do you know how unhygienic these fast food places are?? So gross!
Me: Hey man, it’s probably healthier than the time the baby sneezed directly into my mouth last week so I call this winning.
Wifey: [pulls out phone] look, here is an article about how McDonald’s burger don’t even decay.
Me: Unless our stable genius of a president wrote that article himself, that’s all fake news to me.
Wifey: We have an entire Saturday planned and this is going to slow you and your brain down. Not to mention, you’re probably going to be running to the bathroom right after.
Me: Good, I’ll @ reply McDonalds on the toilet and tell them how yummy their hashies are.
What happened next? My wife was out of gas. She couldn’t win this one. I asked for extra ketchup and received my greasy bag of breakfast. The hot oily smell instantly filled our car and all the childhood memories of me eating chicken nuggets as a kid started flooding back.
“What is that, daddy?” asked the 3 year old.
I broke off a hashbrown and handed it to her. “Share with your brother,” I replied.
My wife was in shock and tried to intervene, but it was too late. I saw her face turn red through the rear view mirror as she watched her children eat processed potatoes. She was about to let out a serious t-rex shriek but I knew what needed to be done once again.
I quickly broke off another piece of hash brown and handed it to her.
She sighed and took a bite.
We all sat in the car and quietly ate hash browns.
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This was too good!