Daddy Diaries, Part 8: People Without Babies are Annoying

“Yo, can I call you right back? I have a child on my face.”

I curse all you childless humans with your stamina, ambition, and free time you can waste just watching each other whip and nae-nae. Here are 13 reasons why people without babies are super annoying:

  1. You’re so happy. Like, actually happy. How can you smile and be so good-looking all the time? Rude.
  2. You have the energy to go on a run. Sit down, you’re making me tired. Seriously.
  3. You can watch TV and not yell at it. Last night, I accidentally came across “the news” and threw the remote at the TV. I was too tired to go pick it up so I just sat and moaned for 4 minutes. 4 minutes, you guys. Like a bloated walrus.
  4. You can take a nap whenever you want. Oh, you’re feeling refreshed? What are you? A cucumber?
  5. You can go to happy hour, take an Uber home, and everything will be fine. This summer, someone offered my wife and me a shot of alcohol at a wedding, and we both started laughing so hard we started crying. Actually, the crying might have started first? Who knows.
  6. You can make rational decisions. My wife bought organic sunblock for our child, which turns out, was also gluten free. I agreed with her smart purchase choice. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F.
  7. You can binge watch a cool TV series and be part of pop-culture discussions. Does anyone else think Caillou is a jerk? I’m all about that Justin Time on Netflix. Wanna talk about it?
  8. Do single people even do the dishes? Why are there so many dishes in the sink? WHY? I just did them. Who put more in here? WHO? ANSWER ME. Are they reproducing? Where are they coming from?
  9. You can use cool, trendy lingo. I’m still using the phrase “two thousand and late.” Is that still on fleek? How do you quantify a fleek? Can someone explain this?
  10. You can actually save money if you wanted to. Our garage is basically an Amazon distribution center littered with empty cardboard boxes of baby stuff (shout out to Prime). And the emotional roller coaster I feel logging into my Wells Fargo account every morning, HO-LEE-SHIT.
  11. You smell so nice all the time. Every Sunday — the day before trash pick up day on our street — our house smells like a moose walked through our living room. Where is this ghost-smell coming from? Did one of you dumb millennials help my child set up a petting zoo in the attic?
  12. You can go eat tacos right now. I’m a grown man and my wife won’t let me eat Mexican food for every meal. It’s the worst.
  13. You can stay up at night. We got invited to a birthday party which started at 10pm in San Francisco. On the real-real — have you ever been so angry you actually yelled at an evite? I literally watched my wife shout at her phone for 10 minutes like it was a person after viewing this “absurd” electronic invitation which was “way past everyone on earth’s bedtime.” I tried to calm her down by suggesting we get tacos, and it all backfired even further.

Have something annoying about kidless humans which I didn’t talk about? Comment and let me know so I can add it to the list! Follow the shenanigans on FacebookInstagram, and Pinterest. Or email me directly to say hello! 

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