My wife is currently on a week long business trip in London and left me in charge of our two children. This is what I’ve learned.
1. You have to feed your children – Wait, so let me get this straight. What you’re saying is that I have to be in charge of every single meal? Whose bright idea was it to start feeding them in the first place?
2. The iPhone is a great invention – I mitigated several tantrums and brawls by pulling up YouTube videos of dump trucks. Thank you, Stevey J and Timmy C.
3. Sand is terrible – Why do they build playgrounds with sand? There are literal sand dunes from when these kids enter the house after a trip to the park. We even have a strict “no shoes inside” policy but they still manage to bring a Sahara wind storm through the living room.
4. Holidays are hard as a solo parent – I had to do Halloween by myself, and after trick-or-treating, I had to pry the baby’s firefighter costume off of him because he believed he was an actual firefighter. I am so exhausted. Never again.
5. Grandma’s are clutch – YO shout out to all Grandmas on Earth for swooping in and pinch hitting. Definitely a life saver with point #1 too.
6. Painting is stupid – I handed each kid a paintbrush. They started painting so I was like cool, I have a quick minute to browse through Instagram while they dip and swerve on some colors. After a quick thumb scroll, I look up and the baby had painted his damn eyelids. I mean fierce, but like, how did we get here, Baby?
7. Bathing is stupid – have you ever chased a wet, naked baby down a hallway and he jukes you hard like Deion Sanders in his prime and you fall and hurt your back (and your ego)? Cool, just me?
8. Socks are stupid – The more I yelled at my daughter about putting her socks on, the less she put her socks on. The whole situation lasted 17 and a half minutes. It ended with us staring at each other—both over socks and one another. Then, after that entire ordeal, we couldn’t find her shoes.
9. Library books – they are overdue. Don’t tell the librarian or my wife.
10. Plumber – I was supposed to call him. I didn’t. Again, don’t tell my wife.
Anyway, she comes back today. At least the house is still in tact. Oh, and I found the shoes. They were buried in the sand dunes.
ps. Shout out to all single and solo parents. You amaze and inspire me. I don’t know how you do it!