I scooped up the baby. “Hey, we’ll be back in a second,” I told my wife as I opened our front door.
“What? Where are you going?” she asked.
I smiled and pointed. “I see some avocados on our neighbors tree. I’m gonna go ask them for some and use the baby as bait!”
“Wow” she sighed. “You are turning into such a dad bro…”
“Um, what’s that supposed to mean?” I inquired.
She rolled her eyes. “Just look at you. You just tied the shoelaces to your Allbirds. You’re wearing polarized dad-sunglasses and a worn out Lagunitas brewing company t-shirt. You just asked me if I wanted to go on a date with you to the aeropress coffee championship in San Jose—whatever the heck that is—and you’re walking around the neighborhood with your child asking people for avocados.”
I took out my phone and lowered the volume on our Sonos speakers. We were all enjoying my early 90’s Daddy Jams playlist on Spotify but I knew this conversation was about to get heated.
“Well listen here, Missy Elliot,” I replied. “Next time I make my famous organic dad fruit smoothies in the Vitamix for our children, you definitely can’t have any.”
“Why don’t you learn how to make dinner for your kids while you’re at it?” she muttered.
“Let’s go on a date to Whole Foods!”
“Wow. Okay, your loss. This dad bro also has a lit dad bod, jussssssayin gurl”
“Gross. Go get your avocados.”