Babies are gross, man

I used to be a big germaphobe. But thanks to my kids, nothing phases me anymore. My wife and I were chatting about the times we were grossed out the most. Here are a few moments ranked in order from casual gross to I-need-to-pray gross.

Shoe situation – Gross level 5
For some reason Baby 2 went through a phase while teething where he’d take off his shoes and start gnawing on them. It got to the point where we had to confiscate the shoes and make him walk around barefoot (which was equally disgusting). Like, why do you have to eat your shoes, baby? Bite something else. Anything else! We have teething toys just for this exact situation. Also, we just went to the park where I watched you parade through duck poop and now you’re licking the underside of your moccasins? Why?? Do you want me to cry?

Cheese oatmeal – Gross level 4.
Baby 1 went through a phase where she really loved cheese (those are my genetics right there because cheese is level 100 yums—sorry Vegans). One morning, she asked for shredded cheese in her oatmeal. I said no. She screamed. So I said no again. She screamed again. I said okay fine. I watched her eat cheese oatmeal. I sat there silently screaming with my eyes. So gross, you guys.

Knees and Toes – Gross level 3
My wife and I were sitting on the couch a few years ago. She had her legs outstretched while Baby 1 was playing by herself, parading around the room. We were both talking about something serious when all of a sudden Baby 1 skips over and licks my wife’s big toe. I’m talking a BIG OL’ lick. She then turns around and dances away like everything was normal. My wife and I looked at each other paralyzed but then started laughing until our stomachs hurt. We coined the word: fungusted. Where something is so disgusting, it’s funny.

Bandaids – Gross level 2
Hey, this is a fun day. The sun is shining and we’re all at the park. Everything is blue skies and apple pies. Oh, it looks like Baby 1 is entertaining herself and playing with something near the slide! Is it a toy? A bug? Maybe a stick? She looks really into it, whatever it is. Let’s walk over and see. Wait, is that a used bandaid she’s playing with? Oh, Jesus. OH, JESUS. Hold your scream. HOLD YOUR SCREAM. Yep, it’s a bandaid. Okay, just scream. Scream to space. Scream so the heavens can hear you. Scream in your sleep. Scream until you die. Scream forever. Thanks, baby.

Pistachios – Gross level 1
So we’re sitting at our gate at Long Beach International airport, waiting to board to go back home from our Southern California mini-vacay. Baby 2 is glued to the window watching planes take off and land. All of a sudden I see a bulge in his cheeks like a squirrel. I dart over and put my fingers in his mouth. I pull out a pistachio shell. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F, you guys. Lil’ homie had found a used pistachio shell from the ground of the terminal and decided to casually put it in his mouth. Whose mouth had it been in before? Who eats pistachios in airports? Those kinds of people! My mind started racing. I started seeing stars in my eyes. I handed my child to my wife and told her I needed a minute. Why, baby, WHY.

Anyway, wanna hear my favorite pistachio joke? What do you call an angry mustache? A PISTACHIO. HAHAHAHA.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Bottom line, babies are gross.


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