I’m 34 years old and have no friends because I only hang out with my children these days. Well, technically my wife is my best friend, but honestly, I don’t think she likes me that much. So guess what? I’m opening up applications for a new best friend (in addition to her, of course). So if you’re looking for a new BFF, follow the steps below to apply:
Step 1: Best friend meme precheck – does the following inspirational video from internet doggo, Coconut Rice Bear make you laugh? If yes, proceed to step 2.
Step 2: the 5-step best friend checklist:
1. Commitment – if you’re my best friend, you need to devote time and energy to our friendship. For example, you are required to keep the text thread going with fire memes and GIFS.
2. Permission – I unfortunately can’t leave to do friendship activities on a whim. I’ll need to pre-plan and calendar events with my wife because she’ll get super mad if I don’t and that’s bad for the both of us. However, if I get the greenlight, I am down for all friendship activities such as: bringing back rollerblading as a trend, finding the best burritos in town, you helping me to convince my wife to buy a boat, etc.
3. Fun – Listen, I used to be fun AF back in the late 90’s early 00’s so don’t think I won’t be down to clown. However, I’m low on energy and get sleepy early these days so keep the friendship activities to daylight hours preferably. That nocturnal life doesn’t fit me. I honestly think I was a house cat in my past life. Meow, bitches.
4. Dreams – I have this dumb dream about making films for a living, so once in awhile you’ll have to peel me off the carpet when I’m having one of my annual panic attacks and say all the right things like, “hey Ang Lee was an unemployed father for a decade before he got his life on track to win that oscar.” And I’ll look up and be like, “thanks best friend, I needed that.”
5. Dad-jokes – I got giggles for days so be prepared to strap in. I also wear dad-shirts in public. Yolo.
Step 3: If this all feels like a good friendship fit, comment and apply!
Equality Note: I don’t care if you a boy, girl, big foot, a fire hydrant, a wombat—whatever. If you’re gonna be my best friend, it doesn’t matter what you look like or how you identify, as as long as you’re kind to yourself and others. No assholes allowed.