Hey Silicon Valley, I’m gonna tee up some more unicorn start-up ideas aimed at parents for freesies. Maybe one of you will take action so we can all roll around in gold bullion. Cool?
- Chapstick Finder – Someone put bluetooth on my chapstick because it’s never where I left it. Wait, is that the baby using it as a crayon? Damnit.
- Baby dropper – A device that transfers sleeping babies from your arms into their cribs in a quick, gentle glide rather than an awkward, seal flop drop.
- Best Frandz? – My wife and I don’t have any friends anymore. This app allows parents, who used to be fun, to connect based on similar interests like: laughing at millenials with zero responsibilities who say things like “I’m so tired.” HAHAHA you’re tired from what? Soul Cycle and scrolling through Instagram?
- Day Concerts – Yo Beyonce, can you perform an acoustic set at 10am at my local coffee shop? Seriously, why do all headliners come out on stage at 11pm at night? I mean, is that even a real time? Also, I’m not driving to a football stadium or a hipster venue in San Francisco and dealing with crowds. Someone please tell rock stars to play for parents at a time and place that makes sense—during sunlight hours, before or after nap time, and while I’m smashing a cold brew coffee to my face.
- Car seats – I can perform open heart surgery faster than trying to install these two dumb Diano car seats next to each other. Why doesn’t my Honda CRV have built in car seats? Why can’t car seats fasten themselves once you place a baby in them?
Cool. There’s the list. If any tech bros and gals out there want to ride a unicorn into the sunset, holler at me.