Like I mentioned in previous posts, a lot of my friends are considering not having kids. I mean, I totally get it: they’re expensive, won’t put their socks on, and basically suck the life out of you. But friends, put the brakes on for just a hot second and lend me your eyes. Before you sign off to a kidless life, consider these 10 reasons to have kids.
1. REACH YOUR GOALS – you can rise and shine and start achieving your dreams early because your kid is basically a house rooster and will wake you up at 5am.
2. FRESH AND SO CLEAN – You’ll smell great because you’re constantly doing laundry. Who doesn’t want to smell like detergent 24/7? Oxiclean is the new Dior.
3. NETFLIX AND SLEEEEEEEEP – A few weeks ago I asked my wife if she wanted to go to bed at 830pm. She got teary eyed and said that was the most romantic thing I’ve ever said to her. Our marriage just got stronger.
4. COFFEE – You think coffee tastes and feels good now? Just wait until you create a child. The ecstasy of that first sip ohhhhhhhh my lord…(Shout out to my second home and my peeps at Chromatic Coffee—ya’ll do me right).
5. BURGLAR PROOF – Forget paying extra for that stupid home security system because these little humans will sprinkle blocks and magna tiles all over the house like gnomes in the night so anyone walking into a room will certainly almost shatter their femurs—including you.
6. FACEBOOK – I bet your news feed is filled with dumb politics these days. Well, guess what? When you’re a parent you don’t have to worry about all that Washington DC garbage because the only friends you’ll make are other parents who blast their social media accounts with pictures of their children. Bottom line: who cares about POTUS when you can see a video of a baby sucking on a lemon, amiright??
7. STATUS SYMBOL – You’ll automatically get upgraded into a new social class. For example, a group of kids called my wife an Auntie at a wedding a few summers ago. Sure all hell broke loose, and they got lectured for 10 minutes, but hey, at the end of the day it’s the small price you pay for being part of a new prestige and way of life. Embrace it, gurl.
8. CASH – You know how they say money changes people? Well, you’re in luck because as a parent, you’ll never have any. I cry-scream with laughter everytime I login to my Wells Fargo account.
9. FIRST CLASS – Guess who gets to board a plane first? The answer is YOU if you have a kid. It’s called Family Boarding and it means you’re VIP even though your ticket says economy. You even get special perks from the flight attendants who just want to make sure your offspring doesn’t lose their minds during the flight. Enjoy your extra biscuits—you’re welcome.
10. THE UNIVERSE – Imagine feeling so much love for a tiny human that if you’re away for more than 24 hours, you literally start feeling stomach pangs. I love my kids so much that sometimes I want to scream out of sheer frustration. Like, why are you taking me on a roller coaster of emotions right now? Stop it.
So in conclusion, points 1-10 are pretty legitimate answers for not bearing children, but as it turns out, for me, my kids are my energy. They’ve provide me with so much focus and strength that it’s changed me forever. And every so often they’ll crawl into my arms, say I love you, and points 1-10 will get flushed down the toilet. I honestly cannot fathom my existence without them.
It sucks. Curse you, kids.