I’d rather rip out my arm hair than go to Costco these days.
Where do I start? Parking, long lines, and never an optimal time to go are just the tip of the iceberg. But because of the cheap price of purchasing necessities in bulk, everyone and their Moms—including my Mom (Hi Mom!)—are always at our local Costco. I once blocked off my calendar and tried going at 1030am on a Tuesday and everyone else on planet earth apparently had the same bright idea. It’s literally packed and overflowing. Also, have you ever gotten into a rugby scrum over the last organic blueberry container with an Asian grandmother? I have.
So these days when I go to Costco, I just put my head down and power through the horrid experience. I know which aisles have the items I need so I just nascar-maneuver my way through the crowds. Nevertheless, the curse of Costco always finds me and takes my blood pressure for a spin. I get so agitated that my brain stops functioning clearly and I end up buying something completely unnecessary in bulk.
Here are three of my last Costco purchase mistakes:
Rice Krispie Treats – These were treats from my childhood, so in my heart I felt I could easily snack on these throughout the week. Let me tell you, I got through two maybe three before calling it quits. First off, they’re packed with enough artificial and toxic ingredients to kill a mule and I instantly wanted to throw up after my first bite. Second, my wife was so upset that I bought such a disaster of a purchase that she hid the box from me and the kids and I never saw the box again. To this day, my wife will wake up in the middle of the night, punch me in the arm, and remind me of the time I spent money on a box of 54 rice krispie treats.
Muffins – In my brain, I’m like “the entire family can finish these in minutes!” But then nobody eats them and they end up going stale in literally 45 and a half minutes. In my defense, the first muffin is always the best though, amiright? I mean, how are you supposed to say no to chocolate AND blueberry, you tell me?
Eggs – I always forget how many eggs we already have at home and end up buying this giant carton even though my wife clearly told me not to buy any eggs. Who wants omelettes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner—for the next 36 years? Sidenote: This issue would never arise if my wife just let me have backyard chickens.
I guess the one good part about Costco is buying flowers for Mommy: