10 ways to protect yourself from Muslims, Mexicans, and the Gays

I can’t believe we didn’t listen. Our new President is absolutely right: all Muslims, Mexicans, and people of the LGBT community are rapists, murderers, and drug dealers. I mean, I’m surprised the earth is still rotating after reading all these true facts from Fox News and Breitbart.

So as a reminder, here are a list of things you should continue doing to protect yourself from all these dirty immigrants and homosexuals taking over our beloved country.

10 ways to protect yourself from Muslims, Mexicans, and the Gays

1. Kiss a Bear
Most of you know this, but if you see a Muslim on the street, immediately run and put your head in a bear’s mouth. It will keep you safe. I mean, have you been inside a bear’s mouth lately? It’s so roomy. It’s definitely better than these dumb San Francisco rent prices.


2. Swing a chainsaw
If your gay neighbor tries to say hi to you, stop whatever you are doing, and start swinging a live chainsaw. This will create a wind vortex around you, preventing the gayness from coming into to your yard. Also, guess what? You’ll be able to trim your hedges at the same time. Hashtag winning.


3. Guns, Guns, Guns
I keep repeating myself here, but make sure to pick up a gun even if you don’t know how to use it. Just by holding it, you will feel empowered and safe. Let freedom ring.


4. Hide in boxes
Look, if the Mexicans break the wall and start pouring into our cities like the zombies in World War Z, you will need to know how to find shelter. So get a group of your friends and start practicing today by rolling yourselves down the stairs.


5. Use Stairs
Never trust an escalator. These are traps set up by Muslims.


6. Have an escape plan
Heaven forbid, what happens if a minority knocks on your door? You flee into nature, that’s what.


7. Take shortcuts
Forget the rules. If you want something, grab it like your President does.


8. Keep twerking
If you accidentally shake hands with a gay person, the best way to get rid of the gay is to immediately start twerking. This will also confuse them, so you have enough sneak out of the situation.


9. Keep innovating
Once America is great again (*praise the lord*), and after our economy plunges into a deep depression, we need to figure out how to rebuild this broken nation. So please, never stop using your imagination.


10. Trust the 1%
Listen, the people at the top always have our best interests in their minds, so we must have faith in the system. And with President elect appointing white supremacists to help him lead the nation, I’m sure they’ll make the best decisions for all of us to last a lifetime.



If you need more tips on how to prepare yourself, click here. Good luck, and remember, please keep these lists handy if a minority tries to give you a hug. Ew, right?

Also, here is a good definition of satire in case you need it.

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