No doubt, my daughter and wife have changed my life. Looking back, I used to be a totally different person before this gangster suburbia lifestyle took over (free street parking for days, saywhaaaat). Here are 11 ways my life has changed before and after having a baby.
Before Baby: 30 minutes of scheduled cardio
Now: Yelling at people trying to catch Pokemon near my front lawn. Should I use my hose?
Drink of choice:
Before Baby: A splash of good whiskey and an ice cube
Now: Sometimes when I take a shower, I close my eyes and can almost taste coffee coming out of the shower head. Is that a weird fantasy?
Before Baby: Aspiring filmmaker
Now: Director of Waste Management
Before Baby: Owning the 3 DVD Netflix account and inhaling movies on the regular
Now: Freaking out because my daughter just touched a used band-aid at the park. You can probably still hear my screams from space.
Before Baby: Laughing and waving to people with a smile on my face
Now: Crying and waving goodbye to my paycheck with tears rolling down my face
Before Baby: Juggling multiple tasks
Now: Juggling multiple groceries bags
Before Baby: Going all the way up
Now: Trying to convince my daughter that rain doesn’t come from reindeer’s
Before Baby: Changing channels
Now: Changing diapers
Before Baby: Should we go to the Amazon?
Now: I’m tired, let’s just buy it on Amazon
Before baby: Rapping all the lyrics to Ludacris in the car
Now: Rapping all the lyrics to Mother Goose Club in the car
Before Baby: Get dressed up and going out to dinner
Now: Let’s drop the baby off at grandma’s house so we can both take a nap