Daddy Diaries, Part 9: I’ve turned into that one Uncle

Basically me at a family party these days.

We all have that one Uncle. You know, the one who asks you awkward life questions, tells ridiculous dad-jokes and laughs the loudest at the punchlines, and gets overly political at family parties after one too many glasses of whiskey?

I am that Uncle.

I’m only 32 and never thought it would happen so quickly. I always thought the transition would be slow, one Christmas party at a time, but it seems to have hit me all at once like a werewolf during a full moon. Here are 10 ways I’ve definitely turned into that one Uncle.

  1. I will text you to make sure you received my snapchat.
  2. I will leave you a voicemail. If I don’t get a call back within 10 minutes, I will snapchat you, then text to make sure you received my voicemail.
  3. I have no idea how to use snapchat.
  4. Oh, you’re single? Let’s have a discussion why. I am here to help (examine?) your love life.
  5. Oh, you’re married? Where is the baby? Give me the baby.
  6. Speaking of babies, what do you call Iron Man throwing a tantrum as a kid? Robert Meltdowny Junior. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THIS JOKE PLEASE USE IT WHENEVER YOU NEED TO.
  7. Sorry, I don’t remember your name. Yes, I realize we just shook hands. No, you don’t need to bother repeating it — I honestly don’t care enough.
  8. I see you over there F-ing up my garden, Zippy, Oscar, and Samantha! Yes, my daughter named these three SOB squirrels who frequent our home because she thinks they’re all “so cute”. But these bushy-tailed demon creatures are lucky this isn’t the Oregon Trail. Is it bad to wonder what squirrel tastes like?
  9. I will take off my shirt and be the first to jump in a pool. I mean, it took years to shape this dad-bod into the visual masterpiece it is. If you got it, flaunt it, amiright?
  10. I rarely get ashamed. I’m not even embarrassed about this post.

If you need words written for your brand, drop me a line via my website. Oh, and don’t forget to read my other dad stuff on Medium or watch my film on Netflix. You know, so my daughter can go to college or whatever.

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