I went in for a holiday hug.
Wifey: Stop touching me.
Husband: Can’t stop won’t stop.
Wifey: Your hands are cold.
Husband: So is your heart.
I went in for a holiday hug.
We went to the Golden State Warriors basketball game in a big group. It’s not a secret that the wifey isn’t into sports.
Wifey: Hey, can we leave at third time?
Husband: [laughing] You mean third quarter?
Wifey: Yeah, whatever.
A minute goes by and an amazing play happens. The crowd goes wild.
Wifey: Was that player the same guy who started the kickoff?
Husband spits out his beer.
The wifey is into fine dining. Our 2nd anniversary is coming up and there was an opening for a restaurant in Napa.
Wifey: There is an opening for a reservation at The French Laundry. Wanna go?
Husband: I’ll stick to regular American washer and dryers, thank you very much.
Wifey: I’m going to have to eat by myself if you keep making jokes like that.
We were in SF and waiting for the valet to bring our car, when a few other people waiting began smoking right next to us.
Wifey: Ew, can you go tell them to stop?
Husband: We’re outside, what do you want me to do?
Wifey: At work, I tattletale on people smoking outside all the time to the security guards if they’re too close to the building.
Wifey: If I were President, I’d ban smoking.
We were driving and I was in the zone singing Adele’s Skyfall. I mean, I was in the moment just going for it, you know? The wifey wasn’t feeling it though:
Wifey: Okay, that’s enough.
Husband: Yo, are you jealous?
Wifey: You’re hurting my ears.
Husband: Is it because I have angel like virbrato?
Wifey: Did you just learn that word?
Husband: Do you even have a talent like mine?
Wifey: Yeah, it’s not singing like you.
Pumpkin pie is my Achilles heal and kryptonite. It’s the season for it and we bought a pie. I could not even handle it and tried to sneak in a slice before dinner. The wifey caught me red-handed:
Wifey: What are you doing?!
Husband: Oh, I’m Benjamin Button’ing dinner. I’m starting with dessert first.
Wifey: While you’re at it, can you Bejamin Button your beard and make it go back into your face?
*For those who haven’t seen the movie, Benjamin Button is about a man who ages in reverse.
Again, the newest addition to the family, my baby nephew, is the culprit. We had just visited him on his big day, his 1-year birthday, and the wifey could not stop talking about him afterwards:
Wifey: I just love him.
Husband: I know.
Wifey: He makes me so happy.
Wifey: I love when he gives me huggies.
Husband: Hey, I give you hugs too.
Wifey: Oh, please. You’re heavy and you require the same amount of work as a baby. It’s not the same.
We were out, and the wifey made a purchase at a store. I observed her sign her signature, which was just a bunch of scribbles and scratches. I pointed it out:
Husband: [laughing] what is that?
Wifey: What is what?
Husband: Your signature. It looks like a child signed the receipt.
Wifey: I type for a living, okay? This store should have had Square. It’s their fault.
We’re both reading at night in bed. All is silent in imaginationland. Suddenly, the wifey turns to me:
Wifey: Hey, I need to ask you a really important question.
Husband: Yeah, what is it?
Wifey: Why do people save their wedding cake and eat it a year later? It’s gross. [goes back to reading]
Husband: [laughing] Wait, what happened to our cake?
Wifey: I made my cousins eat all of it the day after our wedding. I didn’t want it sitting around in our freezer.
I have another superpower - besides getting parking tickets in San Francisco - I have the ability to take a handful of sunflower seeds, shove them in my mouth so one side of my cheeks are almost exploding, and then, using my tongue and precision mouth maneuvering, de-shell, eat, and spit them out one by one (my baseball buddies know what I’m talking about). And every time I perform this God given gift, there is one word that best describes the wifey’s reaction: appalled.
On this day, I had the car started. The wife came in, sat down, and I drove away. She immediately noticed (because it’s really hard to hide) that I had a mouthful of sunflower seeds in my mouth and I was using the open window to spit them out as we were driving (relax guys, they’re bio degradable).
Wifey: Ew. Seriously, why do you have to do that right now? Why?
Husband: It’s better than chewing tobacco, right?
Wifey: Ugh, whatever. You’re the reason bubble yum was invented.