The wifey is going on an all girls safari trip to Kenya for a week with her Mom and Aunts. I couldn’t go because I’m gearing up to shoot my film in August, so I gave her an alternative:
Husband: [jokingly] You know, if you wanted to see a lion, I could have simply taken off my shirt.
Wifey: [sighs] This is exactly why I prefer shark week on the discovery channel.
Everyday is Mother’s Day in my book, but the holiday crept up on me this year:
Wifey: Hey, what are you getting the Mom’s?
Husband: A giant hug and a kiss?
Wifey: [irritated] Ughh, I knew you’d say something like that which is why I already bought the gifts.
It’s been two years since I decided to wife the wifey.
Wifey: Happy engagement anniversary, husband!
Husband: Happy engagement anniversary, wifeband.
Wifey: Wow, it’s been two years. Can you believe it?
Husband: You’re stuck forever, dude.
Wifey: Wait, forever?
HUsband: Yes. Is something wrong?
Wifey: Umm, yeah, that’s a lot of independent films you’re going to try to force me to watch…
The wifey planned an outing with her co-workers who I had never met. I decided to inquire about the wardrobe rules since that seems to always be an issue:
Husband: Where are we going? What’s the dress code?
Wifey: It’s casual. But not too casual where you look like a buffoon.
They say “friends reflect your personality” so the wifey and I are in a mindset where we are actively categorizing our friendships and selecting our associations. We often hang out with one couple, who are our favorite, and who are also both top-notch human beings and progressive thinkers. Unfortunately, they are not married!
Wifey: I don’t get it. They need to get married ASAP!
Husband: I know, they’re perfect for each other.
Wifey: No. They’re perfect for us. I’m going to keep them forever.
I was watching the new PT Anderson film, The Master, which was shot beautifully on large format 65mm (sadly, I was watching on my TV via Netflix - I know, I know - lock me up in film prison). Regardless, it looks visually stunning, even on a 720p DVD. The wifey walks in and catches a scene:
Wifey: This movie looks like it’s been through a color filter.
Husband: You know there is a job in Hollywood called a colorist, right?
Wifey: Do they all work at Instagram?
The wifey and I were driving early Friday morning:
Wifey: I’m so excited!
Husband: Why?
Wifey: On Fridays we get bagels!
Husband: Cool. Do you also get seagulls?
Silence.
Husband: You know that joke is a classic, right?
Wifey: If you want to be a comedian, you need to know your audience dude.
The poet, gangster rapper, and frequent prison visitor T.I. said something very intriguing and eloquent in an interview. I showed the wifey, who does not agree with a hip-hop lifestyle, what he said on my phone.
Husband: Look what T.I. said. Isn’t that smart?
Wifey: Oh cool. Did he think about that all by himself while sitting alone in jail?
I don’t remember how, but somehow the wifey and I managed to find ourselves with a few ketchup packets (which is weird because we don’t eat fast food). I put the packets in our car’s cup holder, forgot about them, and they exploded. It caused a scene the next day and there were a lot of velociraptor shrieks from the wifey. I admitted my faults and proceeded to self-clean the entire car but was met with a few hurdles. I walk back inside:
Wifey: Is the car clean?
Husband: Almost. The ketchup dried and became hard, and now I can’t get it out.
Wifey: Google it. I’m sure there are other husbands out there that do stupid stuff like this.
House hunting is still proving to be a headache here in Silicon Valley. After a frustrating car ride home:
Wifey: [sighs] Where are we going to live?
Husband: In each other’s hearts…
Wifey: Does your heart have vaulted ceilings?
