There are so many rules when you are a husband.

I'm just a husband with a pregnant wife who yells a lot

Armageddon prep.

We’ve been house hunting for over a year now in the Bay Area. I’m not going to go into detail of how ridiculous our experience has been, but it prompts me to come to the same conclusion each depressing weekend we get bulldozed by ludicrous cash offers (where is all this money coming from, people?)

Husband: Let’s just move to a different state and buy land…
Wifey: No way.
Husband: Didn’t your friend move somewhere to start an urban farm?
Wifey: Yeah.
Husband: I think that’s cool.
Wifey: Why?
Husband: They’re going to be prepared.
Wifey: For what, World War Z?
Husband: Yeah, exactly.
Wifey: No thank you. I’d rather just become a zombie.

Manic Mama.

We are having a conversation at dinner. I felt something on my nose so I rubbed my face.

Husband: Oh man, I had food on my face this entire time!
Wifey: Yeah, I was wondering what that was.
Husband: Wait, you knew I had food on my face this whole time?

[Wifey starts laughing]

Husband: Why didn’t you say something?

[Wifey starts laughing harder, grasping for air]

Husband: Seriously?

[After 5 minutes of squealing, she finally takes a deep breath]

Wifey: Okay…wow…so hey, are you going to get me a cupcake? The baby wants a cupcake right now.

Sixteen candles.

So I turned thirty a few weeks ago. It’s a big number, I know. The wifey wanted to get our close friends together and celebrate the milestone, but I was wearing my grumpy old-man pants and consistently rejected her offerings to make it a big event.

Wifey: Do you want to go somewhere?
Husband: No.
Wifey: So do you want to do dinner?
Husband: No.
Wifey: What do you want to do?
Husband: Nothing.
Wifey: Listen, I can only handle one baby right now, okay?

Equity.

The wifey and I don’t have a house or a baby yet, and still, she has a vision for how the future baby room will look. She also has activities planned to do with a baby (all thanks to Pinterest). One of her secret boards contains photography ideas with the new born.

Wifey: [shows me her boards] I’m going to take pictures with my baby like this.
Husband: Uh, no. You are not going to put our newborn baby on a pillow like that.
Wifey: Yes I am.
Husband: My baby is not like a pair of sneakers you’re going to sell on Ebay.
Wifey: Listen. I’m making this baby. I’m the CEO while you’re just the Co-Founder. I have full creative control.

Patient privilege.

There is some weird stuff that is said amongst the wifey and I, which when said out of context of our pregnancy, is some of the strangest conversations on the planet. We were getting ready for our Doctors appointment:

Wifey: Hey, are you going downstairs?
Husband: Yeah.
Wifey: Can you grab my pee?
Husband: Yeah, sure.

Free samples.

With a husband to deal with, the wifey is already concerned about the little human under construction.

Wifey: [sighs] Now I have to worry about my baby the rest of my life.
Husband: Wait, your baby? My baby.
Wifey: No. My baby.
Husband: Our baby.
Wifey: No, it’s mine.
Husband: Hey man, don’t forget, I was the one that put fuel in that gas tank.
Wifey: Oh please. If I needed fuel, I would have just gone to Costco.

Get in my belly.

Everyone keeps asking the wifey if she has any cravings for food yet. She always says no and jokes instead about her horrible morning sickness experience thus far. This weekend, we took a quick getaway down to Carmel. After dinner, we walked into a little hole-in-the-wall bar which looked like it belonged in The Hobbit. I decided to grab a drink while the wifey decided to look at the desert menu. The waiter came by and the wifey suddenly put in an order for an $18 chocolate chip cookie ice cream dish. Yes, $18.

Husband: Are you kidding me? Can you even finish it!?
Wifey: I’m on vacation.
Husband: Wow. Somebody’s pregnant…
Wifey: Relax. The menu says it serves 2-3. [Points to her belly] We can handle this.

Cyborgs.

Only 4 months into the 9 month long-haul and the wifey already has plans  for the new addition:

Wifey: I’m going put my kid in piano, karate, robot camp, and ballet if it’s a girl.
Husband: Wait, did you just say robot camp?
Wifey: Yeah.
Husband: Do you want our kid to build Skynet*?
Wifey: Sure, why not.
Husband: You’d be proud of that?
Wifey: I’d be the proudest mother ever. I’d be cheering from the stands.

*If you don’t know what Skynet is, watch Terminator, or read this.

How Pinteresting.

The Wifey loves browsing Pinterest. And now that she’s pregnant, her Pinterest habit has gotten out of hand. She was on her phone - 

Wifey: I love Pinterest.
Wifey: I can look at baby photo ideas everyday.
Wifey: Is that weird?
Wifey: Wait, do you think that’s creepy?
Wifey: Whatever.
Wifey: I love babies.

Husband: Are you done?

Wifey: I’m just getting started.

Under construction.

I got a package and needed help opening it.

Husband: Hey, can you get me scissors from the drawer?
Wifey: I’m busy.
Husband: You’re just sitting there and watching me!
Wifey: Wow. I’m making a baby right now. What are you doing?