There are so many rules when you are a husband.

I'm just a husband with a pregnant wife who yells a lot

Free samples.

With a husband to deal with, the wifey is already concerned about the little human under construction.

Wifey: [sighs] Now I have to worry about my baby the rest of my life.
Husband: Wait, your baby? My baby.
Wifey: No. My baby.
Husband: Our baby.
Wifey: No, it’s mine.
Husband: Hey man, don’t forget, I was the one that put fuel in that gas tank.
Wifey: Oh please. If I needed fuel, I would have just gone to Costco.

Get in my belly.

Everyone keeps asking the wifey if she has any cravings for food yet. She always says no and jokes instead about her horrible morning sickness experience thus far. This weekend, we took a quick getaway down to Carmel. After dinner, we walked into a little hole-in-the-wall bar which looked like it belonged in The Hobbit. I decided to grab a drink while the wifey decided to look at the desert menu. The waiter came by and the wifey suddenly put in an order for an $18 chocolate chip cookie ice cream dish. Yes, $18.

Husband: Are you kidding me? Can you even finish it!?
Wifey: I’m on vacation.
Husband: Wow. Somebody’s pregnant…
Wifey: Relax. The menu says it serves 2-3. [Points to her belly] We can handle this.

Cyborgs.

Only 4 months into the 9 month long-haul and the wifey already has plans  for the new addition:

Wifey: I’m going put my kid in piano, karate, robot camp, and ballet if it’s a girl.
Husband: Wait, did you just say robot camp?
Wifey: Yeah.
Husband: Do you want our kid to build Skynet*?
Wifey: Sure, why not.
Husband: You’d be proud of that?
Wifey: I’d be the proudest mother ever. I’d be cheering from the stands.

*If you don’t know what Skynet is, watch Terminator, or read this.

How Pinteresting.

The Wifey loves browsing Pinterest. And now that she’s pregnant, her Pinterest habit has gotten out of hand. She was on her phone - 

Wifey: I love Pinterest.
Wifey: I can look at baby photo ideas everyday.
Wifey: Is that weird?
Wifey: Wait, do you think that’s creepy?
Wifey: Whatever.
Wifey: I love babies.
Husband: Are you done?
Wifey: I’m just getting started.

Under construction.

I got a package and needed help opening it.

Husband: Hey, can you get me scissors from the drawer?
Wifey: I’m busy.
Husband: You’re just sitting there and watching me!
Wifey: Wow. I’m making a baby right now. What are you doing?

Thumbs down.

There was a car alarm which went off at night in the neighborhood that just kept going. The wifey was super annoyed dot com but I tried to make light of the situation:

Husband: Oh man, do you hear that? That’s the jam right there. I love the beat. Do you think Pharrell made it?
Wifey: Thanks for the joke but no thanks.

Studious.

We were driving and I made a quick u-turn. There was a car coming from the other direction:

Wifey: Hey, watch out!
Husband: Relax. I know Physics.
Wifey: I doubt it.

Home Alone.

We were packing for our holiday trip this Christmas break:

Husband: Okay, double check everything. We don’t want a Home Alone moment.
Wifey: Whatever happened to Macaulay Culkin?
Husband: He’s around. Didn’t you see the video of him eating pizza for 5 minutes?
Wifey: What?
Husband: Do you even internet?
Wifey: I don’t internet. The internet comes to me.

Kathmandu.

While making dinner:

Wifey: Hey, can you pass me the Himalayan salt?
Husband: Yes, but I have a joke for you first.
Wifey: Oh boy…
Husband: What did the annoyed bartender say to the bouncer?
Wifey: What?
Husband: The man who drank too much, himalayan on the ground over there.

[Silence]

Wifey: [Sighs] Actually, I don’t think I need the salt anymore.

ps. Feel free to use this joke at holiday parties, guys. It’s gold.

ELECTRICITY.

Okay, so I am the master of “Uncle Jokes” - these are super punny one liners (see what I did there?) that I fire off like rockets from my brain (see above post). The wifey has an amazing spidey-sense for when I’m about to launch these without warning.

On this day we were driving, and pass by one of these signs:

image

Wifey: Weird. Where does everyone in this neighborhood plug in their TV’s if they have no outlets?
Husband: [in shock] OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU THAT WAS HILARIOUS.
Wifey: Relax. I only said the corny joke because I was afraid you would say it first.